-Wednesday, April 19, 2006

seeing as i'm home now equals date not happening. which is somewhat very depressing. i was so looking forward to meeting up with you yknow? ah bugger. parents are annoying shennanigans. i hope we meet up soon though, no scratch that i'm sure we will!

anyhoo i realized i haven't been blogging anything substantial at all since i moved and sorry but i just don't feel the need to tell the whole world what i've been up to recently. which also sort of equates to nothing besides meeting random people and bumming around. the number of hours i've clocked on my laptop is already unbelievable and school hasn't even started yet. i think i'm becoming somewhat of a hermit. just two days ago, i wished i could lock myself in my room and stay in bed forever. no i'm not going mad or suicidal or anything. i think it's just hormones. like how i went ape on someone i started caring about alot majorly. blame it on my hormones really, it's that time of the month yknow. and at that moment i thought that it could be due to pms, i know i brought crazy to another level altogether. thing is, i don't know what to do about you. yes i admit i have been thinking about you and about how i went crazy the other day. on one hand, i'm sorry i showed you that crazy side. but on the other hand, i know that those questions and doubts were inside me all along and they just had to get out yknow? better sooner than later i think. it's insane cos this whole thing seems to be over even before it started, and yeah you're right. those few days weirded me out too. sometimes i just wonder whether they really happened. i guess i'm just rambling now and i should stop, but i can't. it's as if i've got word vomit, rmb the kady in mean girls? she couldn't control herself either. well since you weren't ever be reading this i guess it's okay then. and to the rest of you who even made it this far, it's a one-off thing okay. i don't usually just reveal what i'm thinking to random people, i think it's cos i'm afraid. sometimes i think my feelings for something is so intense, it freaks even me out. i can't seem to have any control over how i feel anymore? and that's what i hate about getting emotionally attached to someone. somehow indirectly your emotions get controlled by him. whether it's being happy or sad. just the other day, i was talking to ern and telling her how i wish all these never happened. it's like how i would grumble about lovey-dovey couples on the bus but it's okay cos i never felt much, maybe just envy? but it was on a simple basis yknow. of course i'd feel lonely at times, but i was never truly unhappy or miserable. unlike when you're involved with someone, even if it's against your will and when things go wrong, you feel truly truly in the dumps. and that just sucks. i'm sure all of you totally understand what i mean. but at the same time, i'm glad that it did happen. that we have the happy memories, brief as they were. honestly, sometimes i don't know whether its worth it. because more often than not, the pain just overwhelms the happiness and stays for so so long too. everyone's telling me to give you time, to be there for you and show that i care. you know i do, yet you push me away. why? you say you like me and you don't like her anymore, that you're trying to get over her and that it's hard. i know it's hard babe, but doesn't the first part mean anything to you? how can you say you like me then in the next breath tell me to forget everything? it's just cruel of you to think i could do that. you say it's selfish of you to ask me to wait or to give you time. don't you realize that by telling me to forget everything, you're telling me that i'm not worth the effort trying to get over her, that you don't like me enough to try that above all else, it's her you've chosen. i want to tell you that i understand, but i don't. i don't understand how you can tell me you like me, that you don't think of her when we're out, that you get all weird and even jealous when i talk about past guys AND then tell me that it's over. or maybe i got things wrong right from the start. just maybe it's all just a hopeless dream to me.

and that's all my pent up emotions. i'm sorry i'm being so angsty and all but i just really needed to let it all out. some say to move on, some say to hang on. don't you see it's you i need to tell me what to do? it isn't really up to me at all. i can't wait indefinitely, no one ever should like secretfriend said and it's true. i know you're confused. well babe, so am i. so am i.

9:25 pm