-Wednesday, June 07, 2006

put yourself out there

you know how sometimes you don't really put anything on your blog, cos you're so afraid of certain people reading what you put. and wondering whether it's about them that in the end you try to come up with some abstract way of referring to the person and hoping he/she doesn't find out. i don't think that ever works. because it's in built in us that whenever we read a friend's blog, the first thing we always think is 'is it me he/she's referring to?'. and when i read blogs where people talk about life and all, i start to wonder. how come i don't ever blog like that. is it cos i don't think about life at all? i like to think i do. on a busride or even walking home, but lately it just seems that i've stopped thinking. cos when you don't think, you don't feel. and i don't want to feel anything about anyone at all. it's tiring thinking all the time, because thinking invokes emotions in you and causes the weariness. i get upset whenever it rains or when it's late at night or even in the day when i have a moment to myself. is it cos i finally have the space to think and why do i get sad whenever i think? i'm sure i've got happy things to think about. BUT we humans just always seem to think about the bad.

something big happened to a friend i hold dear to my heart yesterday and seriously i don't know what to do. and i don't think i even fully know how you're feeling. how can i? all i can do is to be there for you and sit tight. cos it's gonna be a helluva time ahead regardless of which path you choose. why do we even do this to ourselves? why do we put ourselves in situations where we let ourselves get hurt by others. relationships, even friendships. as long as there's trust, the people around us possess the power to hurt us. hopeless romantic, i used to think that there is someone out there who is IT. the one. now i'm not so sure anymore. i guess it's too early to tell, and i'm pretty sure i'll still 'fall in like' and all. but there's always a point at the beginning where you ask yourself, is it worth it? is it worth all the heartache and maybe emotional trauma that's sure to come? when you decide to get involved emotionally with someone, you're effectively giving him control of all your emotions. why do we want that? because as my dear friend said, we're scared of being alone. and it's true. maybe it's just the 2 of us and you say you don't know how i survive being so alone for so long. and honestly, i don't know either. i miss the messages, busrides, someone to think about who'll put a smile on my face, someone who i know'll be there for me, the late night phone conversations, the long walks home from anywhere. and i want it back, i truly do. but until i find someone who'll be all that for me, i can't settle for less can i? i need physical proximity. someone who'll be there for me not only emotionally but physically there too. don't you think i miss the cuddles, affection even with the slightest touch. but that doesn't mean we should compromise in other areas. you deserve better than that girl. you deserve better than that.

i think it's time for you to walk out of my life

10:15 am