-Monday, July 17, 2006

okay sorry for that last post, written in anger and frustration. anyway, i'm in lect now and i don't know whether i should still blog about what i intended to. okay, here goes.

i've been thinking alot. about God and my life. or rather the lack of Him in my life. and well, i think that should change. honestly, i think this whole distancing began when i started school and clubbing again. i don't think there's anything wrong with Christians clubbing but i think it is A problem when church and my commitments to it start to get compromised. in the past 2mths, i think i've gone to church less than thrice. and i haven't kept my commitment to the worship ministry either. and frankly, i feel damn bad. okay, i SHOULD feel bad if not i'm really too far gone. but yeah, even going to church camp. i didn't experience the Spiritual Revival that is normally present in camps and retreats. and when i got back, life just resumed as per normal. which is scary.

i know i'm not a good christian in the aspects of reading God's word and even trying to live my life according to His Word. and well just recently, it's been bothering me alot. perhaps i've been sick for so long and i'm kinda screwing up my schlife too because of the lack of Him? reading the Serve blog and the post by bennett, reminded me of a time when God was so close and so REAL to us. He was a constant those 2mths, and everything went really well. sure there were certain unhappy incidences that occured, but i can't remember ever being alone. after experiencing him in that way, how could i possibly just revert to 'normal' life? as if what had happened those 2mths didn't have an impact on me. i'm sorry God, i think it's time for me to refocus on You and not myself. it's been so tiring and trying these 2mths and i realize now it's cos i've been relying on myself and not Him. how can i possibly rely on myself when my strength is so limited and finite. it's not going to be easy trying to live the way God wants, but i think the least i can do is try.

firstly, with my studies. i've got to start studying and bucking up in terms of school..
secondly, hwee. when're you gonna start coming back to church. it DOES matter.

i think a good first step would be for me to start reading my bible again, and praying daily.
i shall try tonight.

and suddenly i feel a weight has been lifted off me (:

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,(ocean)
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

10:22 am