-Wednesday, July 05, 2006

you're as good as dead to me. the emotional high i've been on the past few days has stopped abruptly. how we hate the emotional rollercoaster life puts us on. why don't we get to decide exactly how we want to feel and when about issues, people and even just the first thing we think of when we get out of bed? it's useless telling yourself you're supposed to be happy when you can't even get rid of the nagging feeling that something's not right out of your head.

how can you feel something that you weren't even aware of in the first place? it's as if someone abducted my brain and implanted a whole boxful of thoughts in it. thoughts that are alien to me. and worse of all, thoughts that induce misery. there isn't something i can pinpoint to being the cause of my.. i can't put a name to what i'm feeling. it's not like i'm thinking about anything in particular. i'm not. i'm just so 'ugh' all the time. the initial excuse of hormonal inbalance has long worn off.

i don't know how to take/approach our friendship. or whether we even have one in the first place. yes, i admit you're someone i find easy to talk to. but perhaps it's precisely the readiness to talk that makes me wary of you. because i don't know whether i can trust you. i don't think i'm a distrustful person and i tend to trust people till they give me reason not to. and for you, the reasons are sky high yet none of it is concrete. i don't know whether i'm being unfair to you on my part because as far as i'm concerned you haven't done anything to harm me point blank. but, close friends tell me not to trust you. and they've known you for much longer. yes it may have been in the past, but how am i to know if you've changed. your friendship with a certain someone else casts more doubt and when i think of the relation between you two. i just feel as if you've reached into me and squeezed my heart real tight. that's the 'ugh' feeling you give me. and because of you, another friendship is affected. now i can't trust someone that means something to me due to your friendship with the person. because whenever i talk to the person, i can't help but go.. 'what if he/she tells you'. i've been thru this issue SO MANY TIMES, but yet after all this while, i still can't find a reason to trust you.

as she took a moment to ask herself what was wrong with her,
her heart was jolted with another question..
what was right?

11:22 am